As Eden Blooms

d'etre pleine de vie

2011: Looking Back

She took the leap and built her wings on the way down. Celebrate her daring.

Dead. Empty. Insecure.

I took a deep breath and with boldness I took the step. Forward.

For the first time in years, I lived. And I found healing. Confidence returned.

But once the excitement died, confusion set it. Thoughts clouded. Feelings tossed about in a storm of conflicted emotion.

Loneliness. Boredom. Emptiness.

I stepped away. I refocused. Reorganized.

The badly cracked foundation began to pull back together. And while I am still mending, I feel I am coming into my own. 

For the first time I can say that I feel I have made significant progress. I’m proud of myself.

2011 New Year’s Resolution ~ Completed and yet, to be continued.

I Open Up My Mind and I Can See

Dreams. Hopes. Plans. Aspirations.

Some big. Some small. Some that could happen soon. Some I’ll have to work at for years to come.

The point is that I’m finally starting to find interests and dreams that I seriously want to turn into realities.

Smaller, more immediate hopes:

  • Travel with festivals doing henna and body art or selling things I’ve made.
  • Refresh, redo, modernize and sell formal dresses that I find at thrift stores.
  • Complete an Associates degree.

Bigger, more distant hopes:

  • I want a horse ranch where I breed and sell. Maybe out west. California. Nevada. Arizona. New Mexico.Somewhere.
  • I want my own herb company based out of Ecuador.
  • I want to become very involved with my great grand father’s camp in Brazil.
  • Maybe open an orphanage. I never want to be tied down to one place.

I want to be my own boss. I want to be self-reliant and resourceful. I want to have multiple homes and get-aways. I don’t necessarily want to be rich or live a luxurious life. I just want to be active. I want to be a well respected woman. I want to be full of knowledge, strength, and vitality. I want to leave a mark on this world.

And I believe I can make it all happen.

Purpose

And we know that God causes all things to work together for the good to those who love Him, to enable them to fulfill the purpose for which they are called. -Romans 8:28

As far back as I can remember, I have always felt that I was put on this earth to do something great. That I had a purpose. For the last few years, since graduating high school, I have been completely lost and confused. I have attempted mission work, only to find conflict between myself and other Christians (I’m not the cookie cutter Christian and that’s what organizations want), I have been in and out of college, unable to find anything that I can see as a fulfilling major or career path. Let’s face it, I was not made to conform to our society and work a boring 9-5 job. I have too much fire.

So what was I put on this earth for? 

I’ve been walking around, ringing my hands, desperately trying to find out the answer to that.

Lately though, I feel like I’m starting to figure it out.

Last night I was told that I underestimate my own power. It’s true. And I think I’m just beginning to see that and realize the power I’ve been given. And I need to develop it and use it. 

Whatever God has called me to do, I know that I’m inching my way to finding out what it is. Here is what I have so far:

  • Love others and do good. Be a servant.
  • Create and bring joy to others through my art and creativity.
  • Treat myself with the utmost respect.
  • Encourage others and plant inspiration in their hearts.

I can see myself hitting the road. Living among the homeless. Volunteering with charitable organizations. Living as a drifter. I was called to live the life of Jesus. Maybe I’ll be the next Mother Teresa. I don’t know. But I do know that whatever I end up doing, it will impact. And it’s not about me at all. I’m most concerned about the work that needs to be done. 

I’m pretty excited about finding my calling. It will be a grand adventure.

Whang Od (Buscalan, Philippines)

When Whang Od was twenty-five, the man she was in love with died in a logging accident. Instead of looking for a new husband, she dedicated her life to tattooing and now sixty odd years later she is the last practitioner of an art form that many scholars believe is nearly one thousand years old. Whang Od is still tattooing in her nineties.

I must find her. How cool would it be to get a tattoo done by her?

(via ihavethisblog)

Romans 8:28

Love. Joy. Peace.

Life is kind of tough these days. But I get through.

“Are you happy?” he asks me every day.

I think about it for a moment.

“Yes,” I say, “for the most part.”

And it’s true.

I choose to be happy. Every day I have to choose. It’s like exercise.

I have worries… Is my car going to sell so I can finally get a better one? Will some manager look over my application and decide to give me a chance? Will I be able to bring my GPA back up enough this semester to transfer? What the hell am I going to major in? What is going to come of me and my love life? Am I making the right decisions?

I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no idea.

I ache from the worry and stress. But I pray. I have faith.

I believe that as long as I do good and am pure of heart while seeking God and following my intuition, all things will fall into place. I’m breaking free from my former mindset and I’m choosing to simply live, love, and let life happen.

So, when I have those moments when I feel like being sad, stressed, or worried, I tell myself to shrug it off and be happy with the good things that I have. No matter what, life always works itself out. 

But I’m not opposed to a back massage and a vacation. Just saying.

The Stolen Notebook

“May she acquire the strength and charisma to live, stepping forward into a new dimension of thought - a liberated mind expanding and creating new horizons in its own realm as vast and complex as the universe itself. May she act, as we do, out of a passion burning unquenchable for a new world. Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. Ⓐ”

-Anonymous

These Strange Times

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

You can sometimes feel a shift in the atmosphere and suddenly certain events take place and you have to wonder “Is this just coincidence, or are these things happening for a reason?”

You can sometimes find patterns.

Sometimes the passion of one movement can catch flame somewhere else and cause another movement. 

These are strange and difficult times we are facing, as a world and as individuals.

Globally, we are experiencing an economic crisis. Starting in the spring, Arabs rioted and overthrew their government. Starting this fall, the US protests the control of corporations in our government. What will happen? Will we the people take our government back? Will the government over power us and continue to cut us down? Will these events ultimately lead us to the 2012 disaster? (not an apocalypse, because I don’t believe in that, but I do not doubt that the prophecy has relevance. I mean look at what is happening around the world.)

As individuals, we are facing difficult times. 

My mother is losing her job, which means she and and my dad will not have the good income they once and so briefly had, making it even more difficult for them to retire. Their hope to draw social security in a few years is even being threatened by our government.

Once my mother loses her job, my family and I will join the ever growing population of those without health insurance. As an epileptic, I worry about this.

My sister’s marriage is failing. My friends’ relationships are failing. Even my relationship has been shaken.

My childhood pet died last week. I feel as if she took with her the last remnant of my inner child. A family friend had to say good bye to a dear pet as well.

After years of praying, my church family is saying good bye to a member tomorrow.

This month seems to be covered in a dark cloud. These times are hard, but I have to be thankful. It is beautiful to see everyone I have mentioned, on the global, community and individual levels, pulling together to help one another.

As humans we have the capacity to hold a lot of evil within us and the capability of doing such evil that destroys ourselves and others. However, as humans we also have the capacity to overflow with such love that redeems and builds each other up. That is the tragic beauty of us.

These times we face are hard. But I have faith that brings me peace. Faith in the people. Faith in God. And in faith, we persevere.

A Self Reflection

Last night I was talking to a new friend. We compared our miserable school experiences and talked about how we felt like we were failures to our parents because we hadn’t turned out the way they had imagined. 

“But when you get down to it,” he said, “you have to do what makes you happy.”

“I’m not sure what makes me happy,” I said.

My friend looked at me with concern. “Why do you say that?”

I explained that even though I had many interests and liked doing certain things, I still felt a bit empty inside.

“But I like being with friends and helping others,” I said. “That makes me happy.”

My friend agreed with me and told me about how much he cared for people and would rather live in poverty and help others than be rich and selfish. I nodded in agreement, realizing that this kid had not a single bad bone in his body.

I’ve been thinking about this conversation. It kind of worried me, at first, that I couldn’t think of anything that made me happy. But happiness buds from what you measure your quality of life by. Some people measure their quality of life by material things, so maybe money and shopping makes them happy. Some people measure their quality of life by knowledge, so maybe teaching or learning something new makes them happy. Others might measure by art and creativity.

I measure my quality of life by love. The more people I have in my life to love and love me, the happier I am. 

So yes, photography, art, music, acting, film making, learning about other cultures and religions, I enjoy them all, but they do not produce a deep and ever flowing happiness and joy. However, if I add love to my life, then I begin to feel a deep and rich joy flow throughout my soul.

“If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!…

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:1-8, 13

Considering what my life has been like since I graduated high school, I find this comforting.

Considering what my life has been like since I graduated high school, I find this comforting.

Occupy Wall Street

For the first time in decades, a protest for a right and true cause is happening in America. Hundreds are gathered in Wall Street crying out for the people of America to wake up to the reality of our economic state. The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. We, the people, are being ignored and pushed aside while our “leaders” are battling each other for power. What greed our government and economy is built upon!

I will stand in Wall Street with the others. I’m not sure how or when I’ll get there, but I will make damn sure I do.